"Dreams stay with you, like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside..."

It's been a good week.  I've watched movies I haven't watched in a while, read books, done some much-neglected embroidery, and spent time with my family.  Everyone came over last night for dinner and more presents.  I got a new laptop, warm clothes (two scarves, a pair of gloves, three thermal undershirts, two pairs of leggings, and untold numbers of socks), a frying pan, the Awkward Family Photos book, and enough money to replace the camera I lost at the Hermitage back in September, which I duly did today.  Also a Barnes and Noble card, which I spent today.  I discovered that I've lost about 8 pounds since moving to Scotland, but I've been eating nonstop all week so I don't know if that's still true.  Lord, I've missed good food.

I leave tomorrow night, and I had a moment of "I don't wanna go back" last night.  I checked the weather forecast for Edinburgh and it was RAIN FOREVER, which is depressing.  Plus, this week went by too fast.  There's a line from a Joan of Arc miniseries that I'm quite fond of, when she's about to go back to court after visiting her family, that goes, "I'm afraid to leave, even more than I was before."  When I left in August, after some tears when my parents dropped me off at the airport, I was gone without a backward glance with nary a pang of homesickness until my dad came to visit in October.  This time around, I know what I'm getting into: a challenging masters program at one of the best universities in the UK, a rodent-infested apartment, and a country with infamously unpredictable weather where the sun is only up for 7 hours a day this time of year.  And I honestly don't know when I'll be back to the US.  I have no return ticket this time.  I might come back for my cousin Justin's wedding in early May, but nothing is set in stone by any means.  And at around that time I'm going to need to start giving serious thought to whether I want to stay in Scotland for good; or for a few more years anyway.

On Friday I'm leaving on a 4-day trip to northwestern Scotland and the Isle of Skye, which I'm hoping will remind me and reaffirm why I wanted to move to Scotland in the first place, because I'm in a place where I need that right now.  I'll also be having another go at Mull and Iona sometime in early January, before classes start back, as long as I can find somewhere to stay on Mull.  This trip home has been great for recharging, but I need to make sure that I'm able to recharge in Scotland as well.  I flatter myself that I've been able to keep my balance and perspective pretty well, but those last 3-4 weeks before I came home, my world narrowed completely to schoolwork and my housing problems, and I'd like to not let that happen again.  I'm also going to keep in mind that I only have another two months to put up with this flat and its problems, and that the days are going to be lengthening again now that we're past the solstice.  By mid- to late February, daylight hours in Edinburgh will be similar to what they are in NC at midwinter, and in mid-April they'll be similar to NC at midsummer.

My life is so different now from what it was this time last year.  This time last year, I was unemployed except for whatever music gigs I could get, I didn't know of the existence of the degree I'm now pursuing, and moving to Scotland was something I did not think was viable.  In 2011, I visited Scotland in winter for the first time, applied and got into graduate school, worked in a hospital for four months, and moved to a different country.  If you had told me this time last year that all this would transpire, I would not have believed you.  If the Mayans are to be believed, there won't be a "this time next year," so I'm going to try to make each day of 2012 count.  The only real resolution I have this year is to do the things I say I'm going to do.  I've had a big problem with not following through with things I've decided to do (keep a better rein on my finances, have schoolwork finished in x, y, or z timeframe, do this or that thing this weekend), and I want to do better.

I'll conclude with what has pretty much been my theme song for 2011:

I've never seen you look like this without a reason,
Another promise fallen through, another season passes by you
I never took the smile away from anybody's face,
And that's a desperate way to look for someone who is still a child
In a big country dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive,
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered
I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert,
But I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime,
In a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive,
In a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive,
So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you,
Because it's happened doesn't mean you've been discarded,
Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming,
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered,
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered
I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert,
But I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime,
In a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive,
In a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive,
In a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive...

- "In a Big Country" by Big Country