I'm back in Edinburgh! As I expected, bidding farewell to my parents and brother was much harder this time around. I think it's because back in August, this was an adventure; and this time around, it's just going back to my other life many, many miles away from my loved ones. And also, I don't know when I'm going to see them or the USA again.
I'm most of the way unpacked, and I'm going out with one of my flatmates in a bit. I have discovered that my adapter doesn't fit my new laptop's three-pronged plug, so it looks like I'm going to have to get a new one. Which is fine, because I could use two anyway.
Cheers, y'all.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
"Dreams stay with you, like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside..."
It's been a good week. I've watched movies I haven't watched in a while, read books, done some much-neglected embroidery, and spent time with my family. Everyone came over last night for dinner and more presents. I got a new laptop, warm clothes (two scarves, a pair of gloves, three thermal undershirts, two pairs of leggings, and untold numbers of socks), a frying pan, the Awkward Family Photos book, and enough money to replace the camera I lost at the Hermitage back in September, which I duly did today. Also a Barnes and Noble card, which I spent today. I discovered that I've lost about 8 pounds since moving to Scotland, but I've been eating nonstop all week so I don't know if that's still true. Lord, I've missed good food.
I leave tomorrow night, and I had a moment of "I don't wanna go back" last night. I checked the weather forecast for Edinburgh and it was RAIN FOREVER, which is depressing. Plus, this week went by too fast. There's a line from a Joan of Arc miniseries that I'm quite fond of, when she's about to go back to court after visiting her family, that goes, "I'm afraid to leave, even more than I was before." When I left in August, after some tears when my parents dropped me off at the airport, I was gone without a backward glance with nary a pang of homesickness until my dad came to visit in October. This time around, I know what I'm getting into: a challenging masters program at one of the best universities in the UK, a rodent-infested apartment, and a country with infamously unpredictable weather where the sun is only up for 7 hours a day this time of year. And I honestly don't know when I'll be back to the US. I have no return ticket this time. I might come back for my cousin Justin's wedding in early May, but nothing is set in stone by any means. And at around that time I'm going to need to start giving serious thought to whether I want to stay in Scotland for good; or for a few more years anyway.
On Friday I'm leaving on a 4-day trip to northwestern Scotland and the Isle of Skye, which I'm hoping will remind me and reaffirm why I wanted to move to Scotland in the first place, because I'm in a place where I need that right now. I'll also be having another go at Mull and Iona sometime in early January, before classes start back, as long as I can find somewhere to stay on Mull. This trip home has been great for recharging, but I need to make sure that I'm able to recharge in Scotland as well. I flatter myself that I've been able to keep my balance and perspective pretty well, but those last 3-4 weeks before I came home, my world narrowed completely to schoolwork and my housing problems, and I'd like to not let that happen again. I'm also going to keep in mind that I only have another two months to put up with this flat and its problems, and that the days are going to be lengthening again now that we're past the solstice. By mid- to late February, daylight hours in Edinburgh will be similar to what they are in NC at midwinter, and in mid-April they'll be similar to NC at midsummer.
My life is so different now from what it was this time last year. This time last year, I was unemployed except for whatever music gigs I could get, I didn't know of the existence of the degree I'm now pursuing, and moving to Scotland was something I did not think was viable. In 2011, I visited Scotland in winter for the first time, applied and got into graduate school, worked in a hospital for four months, and moved to a different country. If you had told me this time last year that all this would transpire, I would not have believed you. If the Mayans are to be believed, there won't be a "this time next year," so I'm going to try to make each day of 2012 count. The only real resolution I have this year is to do the things I say I'm going to do. I've had a big problem with not following through with things I've decided to do (keep a better rein on my finances, have schoolwork finished in x, y, or z timeframe, do this or that thing this weekend), and I want to do better.
I'll conclude with what has pretty much been my theme song for 2011:
I've never seen you look like this without a reason,
Another promise fallen through, another season passes by you
I never took the smile away from anybody's face,
And that's a desperate way to look for someone who is still a child
In a big country dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive,
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered
I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert,
But I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime,
In a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive,
In a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive,
So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you,
Because it's happened doesn't mean you've been discarded,
Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming,
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered,
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered
I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert,
But I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime,
In a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive,
In a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive,
In a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive...
- "In a Big Country" by Big Country
I leave tomorrow night, and I had a moment of "I don't wanna go back" last night. I checked the weather forecast for Edinburgh and it was RAIN FOREVER, which is depressing. Plus, this week went by too fast. There's a line from a Joan of Arc miniseries that I'm quite fond of, when she's about to go back to court after visiting her family, that goes, "I'm afraid to leave, even more than I was before." When I left in August, after some tears when my parents dropped me off at the airport, I was gone without a backward glance with nary a pang of homesickness until my dad came to visit in October. This time around, I know what I'm getting into: a challenging masters program at one of the best universities in the UK, a rodent-infested apartment, and a country with infamously unpredictable weather where the sun is only up for 7 hours a day this time of year. And I honestly don't know when I'll be back to the US. I have no return ticket this time. I might come back for my cousin Justin's wedding in early May, but nothing is set in stone by any means. And at around that time I'm going to need to start giving serious thought to whether I want to stay in Scotland for good; or for a few more years anyway.
On Friday I'm leaving on a 4-day trip to northwestern Scotland and the Isle of Skye, which I'm hoping will remind me and reaffirm why I wanted to move to Scotland in the first place, because I'm in a place where I need that right now. I'll also be having another go at Mull and Iona sometime in early January, before classes start back, as long as I can find somewhere to stay on Mull. This trip home has been great for recharging, but I need to make sure that I'm able to recharge in Scotland as well. I flatter myself that I've been able to keep my balance and perspective pretty well, but those last 3-4 weeks before I came home, my world narrowed completely to schoolwork and my housing problems, and I'd like to not let that happen again. I'm also going to keep in mind that I only have another two months to put up with this flat and its problems, and that the days are going to be lengthening again now that we're past the solstice. By mid- to late February, daylight hours in Edinburgh will be similar to what they are in NC at midwinter, and in mid-April they'll be similar to NC at midsummer.
My life is so different now from what it was this time last year. This time last year, I was unemployed except for whatever music gigs I could get, I didn't know of the existence of the degree I'm now pursuing, and moving to Scotland was something I did not think was viable. In 2011, I visited Scotland in winter for the first time, applied and got into graduate school, worked in a hospital for four months, and moved to a different country. If you had told me this time last year that all this would transpire, I would not have believed you. If the Mayans are to be believed, there won't be a "this time next year," so I'm going to try to make each day of 2012 count. The only real resolution I have this year is to do the things I say I'm going to do. I've had a big problem with not following through with things I've decided to do (keep a better rein on my finances, have schoolwork finished in x, y, or z timeframe, do this or that thing this weekend), and I want to do better.
I'll conclude with what has pretty much been my theme song for 2011:
I've never seen you look like this without a reason,
Another promise fallen through, another season passes by you
I never took the smile away from anybody's face,
And that's a desperate way to look for someone who is still a child
In a big country dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive,
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered
I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert,
But I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime,
In a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive,
In a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive,
So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you,
Because it's happened doesn't mean you've been discarded,
Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming,
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered,
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered
I'm not expecting to grow flowers in the desert,
But I can live and breathe and see the sun in wintertime,
In a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive,
In a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive,
In a big country, dreams stay with you,
Like a lover's voice, fires on the mountainside, stay alive...
- "In a Big Country" by Big Country
Monday, December 19, 2011
"Back in the US, back in the US, back in the USSR!"
I got home on Saturday evening.
Things I didn't realize I missed until two days ago:
Trees.
Birdsong (specifically waking up to it, as opposed to the traffic noise outside or the fractious groaning of the bathroom pipes when someone flushes the toilet).
Driving.
Wide open spaces.
All the books I left here.
Oh, it's good to be home.
Cheers, y'all.
Things I didn't realize I missed until two days ago:
Trees.
Birdsong (specifically waking up to it, as opposed to the traffic noise outside or the fractious groaning of the bathroom pipes when someone flushes the toilet).
Driving.
Wide open spaces.
All the books I left here.
Oh, it's good to be home.
Cheers, y'all.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Farewell Elsa, 2006-2011.
My UNC laptop that I've had since 2006 finally rang down the curtain and joined the choir invisible a couple of days ago. I've got a loaner from Moray House so I can finish my last two papers without having to rely on the library computers. Speaking of which, stress paper is done and turned in, pro skills paper is about a third of the way done and due Tuesday, and planning paper has a couple hundred words written and is due Thursday. I'm doing my utmost to summon the motivation to finish the pro skills paper tonight, so I can submit it tomorrow and have the rest of the week to focus on planning.
If you heard about that terrific gale that hit Scotland last Thursday, I'm fine and we never lost power. Although just about the entire city of Edinburgh, including the universities, the airport, most of the trains, the double-decker buses, and the Forth Road Bridge, was shut down by 2pm. I think the north and west of Scotland got the worst of it by far. In other weather news, it's snowed twice overnight in the last week, maybe a half-inch of accumulation both times.
Home on Saturday!
Cheers, y'all.
If you heard about that terrific gale that hit Scotland last Thursday, I'm fine and we never lost power. Although just about the entire city of Edinburgh, including the universities, the airport, most of the trains, the double-decker buses, and the Forth Road Bridge, was shut down by 2pm. I think the north and west of Scotland got the worst of it by far. In other weather news, it's snowed twice overnight in the last week, maybe a half-inch of accumulation both times.
Home on Saturday!
Cheers, y'all.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Study break.
I'm about three-fourths of the way done with this paper due tomorrow, and my focus is wavering. So I may as well do a quick update! Hey, one of my classmates wrote a 400-word blog entry about bacon today instead of the remaining 700 words for her paper, so I'm not alone.
This morning/early afternoon was so frustrating I could have wept. I'm going on a hillwalking trip to Blair Atholl on Saturday. It's probably going to be on par with Ben Vane for difficulty, but I am absolutely not backing out of this one because I'm not liking Scotland very much at the moment and I need to do something to remind me of why I wanted to come here. But I'm going to need much more hardcore boots than the ones I have for this trip, because the Perthshire hills are under about a foot of snow and ice at the moment and everyone is going to have to wear crampons. So this morning's objective was to go to the Tiso (roughly equivalent to REI in the States) on Commercial Street in Leith to see if I could rent a pair for the weekend.
I missed Commercial Street on my first pass because it's called Bernard Street at the point where it intersects with the road I was walking on to get there, and I had walked almost all the way to the Ocean Terminal before I realized my mistake. So I had to walk back, and thank goodness I found it without any more difficulty. But THEN, they needed to know what kind of crampons we were going to be using so they could give me the right kind of boots. I did not have this information, and no way to obtain this information without email, and had to leave the store empty-handed. Took the #36 bus to Holyrood, which took a good half hour, and emailed the walk organizer from the library. He has finally emailed me back (10 point crampons), but I've spent too much time on this nonsense today and I have a paper to finish, so the return trip to Tiso will have to wait until tomorrow.
In other news, I've been setting an alarm for the last few days, but I've mostly been turning it off and then going back to sleep. I even slept with the curtains open last night so the morning light could come in, and it helped a bit, but still. I don't know why getting up in the morning is so hard, but it is.
Right. Back to paper-writing.
Cheers, y'all.
This morning/early afternoon was so frustrating I could have wept. I'm going on a hillwalking trip to Blair Atholl on Saturday. It's probably going to be on par with Ben Vane for difficulty, but I am absolutely not backing out of this one because I'm not liking Scotland very much at the moment and I need to do something to remind me of why I wanted to come here. But I'm going to need much more hardcore boots than the ones I have for this trip, because the Perthshire hills are under about a foot of snow and ice at the moment and everyone is going to have to wear crampons. So this morning's objective was to go to the Tiso (roughly equivalent to REI in the States) on Commercial Street in Leith to see if I could rent a pair for the weekend.
I missed Commercial Street on my first pass because it's called Bernard Street at the point where it intersects with the road I was walking on to get there, and I had walked almost all the way to the Ocean Terminal before I realized my mistake. So I had to walk back, and thank goodness I found it without any more difficulty. But THEN, they needed to know what kind of crampons we were going to be using so they could give me the right kind of boots. I did not have this information, and no way to obtain this information without email, and had to leave the store empty-handed. Took the #36 bus to Holyrood, which took a good half hour, and emailed the walk organizer from the library. He has finally emailed me back (10 point crampons), but I've spent too much time on this nonsense today and I have a paper to finish, so the return trip to Tiso will have to wait until tomorrow.
In other news, I've been setting an alarm for the last few days, but I've mostly been turning it off and then going back to sleep. I even slept with the curtains open last night so the morning light could come in, and it helped a bit, but still. I don't know why getting up in the morning is so hard, but it is.
Right. Back to paper-writing.
Cheers, y'all.
Monday, December 5, 2011
"There at the seaside, fifth of December..."
I was terribly productive today. I got up at 9:15 to go to the Citizens Advice Bureau to get some guidance about my housing situation. The very nice older English lady I spoke to said to notify the leasing agents/landlord about the problem once more, this time in writing and with a date by which I want the problem to be resolved. If it doesn't happen, then the next step is to say, "I want to move out, how can we make this happen in a mutually beneficial manner? I.e., can you release me from my lease/get someone else to take over my lease/let me find someone else to take it over?" I'm not hopeful about the latter two, because there's a bedroom in this flat that's been empty almost the whole time I've been here, and I'm not comfortable with the amount of lying I'd have to do to get someone to move into this shithole. Pulling a runner should be an absolute last resort, because besides forfeiting my deposit and being liable for the rest of the rent that would be owed on my lease (which I figured would be the case), I would also get a default on my credit rating. Maybe not too big a deal if I go back to the US after I finish my degree, but it could cause me serious problems if I want to stay. She also told me to get the pest control guys to show me where they think the mice are coming in the next time they come, and try to do a DIY fix with some duct tape. And if they can't show me where the mice are coming from...perhaps consider another pest control company. Although these guys are the ones the leasing agency does business with, and the landlord foots the bill, so it would be on my dime if I went elsewhere.
ANYWAY. There is snow at the top of Arthur's Seat, and I admired the view from the library for the rest of the day, except for the bit when I went to a little Italian cafe for lunch (an avocado, spinach, and goat cheese ciabatta, with a brownie and ice cream for dessert). I reached the halfway point of Game of Thrones while I ate. The data analysis for the stress paper is finished, and I'm slightly less than halfway done with the write-up which is due Thursday.
I'm feeling a bit better than I did over the weekend. I think the key is to stay busy/productive, and also be in the sun as much as possible. I'm going to start setting an alarm for 9:15 or so, so I'm not sleeping through too much daylight (sunrise is at about 8:30 now) and try to make a point of sitting outside in direct sunlight for at least 20 minutes every day.
Head down, writing papers! The goal is 1000 words a day from here on out until they're all done. Ready, set, go!
Cheers, y'all.
ANYWAY. There is snow at the top of Arthur's Seat, and I admired the view from the library for the rest of the day, except for the bit when I went to a little Italian cafe for lunch (an avocado, spinach, and goat cheese ciabatta, with a brownie and ice cream for dessert). I reached the halfway point of Game of Thrones while I ate. The data analysis for the stress paper is finished, and I'm slightly less than halfway done with the write-up which is due Thursday.
I'm feeling a bit better than I did over the weekend. I think the key is to stay busy/productive, and also be in the sun as much as possible. I'm going to start setting an alarm for 9:15 or so, so I'm not sleeping through too much daylight (sunrise is at about 8:30 now) and try to make a point of sitting outside in direct sunlight for at least 20 minutes every day.
Head down, writing papers! The goal is 1000 words a day from here on out until they're all done. Ready, set, go!
Cheers, y'all.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Ohai seasonal depression! So nice of you to show up at the most inconvenient time!
My updates have been sporadic lately. We're up to nearly 17 hours of darkness each day, and my motivation has been dwindling with the daylight. All the motivation that I still have is being channeled into writing papers, and I just hope I can keep it together until they're all done.
I've been having difficulty getting up in the morning for weeks, but for the last week or so I've also been having trouble falling asleep, due to my hypervigilance over the mice. (At this point I have given up all hope of the problem getting resolved and am looking for a new apartment. I still need to investigate the legalities of breaking the lease, but it's happening one way or another.) And for the past couple of days I've been going back and forth between wanting to throw things, wanting to yell at someone, and wanting to cry. My flatmate Tomas thinks I've completely lost my mind and basically told me so last night, which made me feel ever so much better.
I just want to finish these papers and go home, where there is sunshine and people who love me.
Cheers, y'all.
I've been having difficulty getting up in the morning for weeks, but for the last week or so I've also been having trouble falling asleep, due to my hypervigilance over the mice. (At this point I have given up all hope of the problem getting resolved and am looking for a new apartment. I still need to investigate the legalities of breaking the lease, but it's happening one way or another.) And for the past couple of days I've been going back and forth between wanting to throw things, wanting to yell at someone, and wanting to cry. My flatmate Tomas thinks I've completely lost my mind and basically told me so last night, which made me feel ever so much better.
I just want to finish these papers and go home, where there is sunshine and people who love me.
Cheers, y'all.
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