Loneliness.

I am very alone here.  And I was never more acutely aware of that fact than I am today, newly re-arrived at my flat in Edinburgh.

The smell of my bedroom was the thing that struck me first.  It smelled new.  Uninhabited.  Actually, it smelled like the flat on Balfour Street where I lived for two days back in September, one of which was the day immediately following the loss of my old camera.  So this smell does not have positive connotations to me.  On the other hand, my bedroom in North Carolina smelled like cinnamon and sandalwood.  It smelled how it always has, even though it had been uninhabited for several months before this visit home.  My bedroom in my flat has reverted to its "empty" smell after only three weeks.  How can that be?

I don't have people I can call upon at a moment's notice here.  I don't have people to take care of me.  Ewan and Kath would never turn me away if I were in need, but they're in Stromeferry, which is a minimum 6-hour train journey away.  My classmates are here, but they have their own lives and priorities outside of school.  It can be like pulling teeth to organize a night out, but I need to do that or else it's going to be a very lonely summer.  My flatmates are completely useless.  I long for the days when Mandy and Roy lived here, and I'm now realizing just how lucky I was to have them here when I first moved in.  Finding a new flat is now more of a priority than ever, because I cannot stand this place and the people who live here anymore.

I am normally a very self-sufficient person, but this was a very lonely and disheartening homecoming today.  Here's hoping things will look a bit better after a nap.

Cheers, y'all.